Whats does abuse climate do for one?
OKAY so last night equals biggest event of the young season right!
The anticpated reunion of Gilbert Arenas and He-WHo_Must_Not-Be-Named for first time since THE SLAP. The Summitt was huge effing newzz right?
Well you wouldnt know it from Ivan 'The Terrible' Carter's game report for Wash Post. No mention of the pre-game touching of fists, the gentle dap of peace. In fact he only mentions them at all in last few lines, hidden after a really important profile of ... 6th man Jared Jeffries?!!!
So Jareds 'versatile'???
Tell us more T Cart! N, we nominated Little Two to the Dwayne SChneider Utility Belt First Team last year!
I havnt seen such lead burying since cleaning up the morning after Qyntel Woods Presidents Day Dog Fight.
We'll give you a pass Carter since you are a new one in town and think 'Boom Goes The Wallaby' is a rice dessert at outback steakhouse. Maybe you just had an Ivan the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. But know this, this is KWAMES town. And if you want kwame you need us as your friends.
Maybe you can send us some Postal Meats, and we'll let you behind the curtain (dont mind Mr Unseld).
THREE WORLD-CLASS SLAP INCITES
OK we promised to break our silence on Kwame.
But Somethings are hard to find words for, like the look in Charles Oakleys eyes when hes on turpentine, only Chechnyans have a word that evenm comes close.
But NBA analist Tim legler taught us if anything, that sometimes man must simply fill the http://www.jasminlive.mobi world with noise and just hope.
We were shocked like everyone when Kwame accused gilbert of betrayal .
Et Tu Van Winkle! !
But we waited to see the facts not like all the monday morning mule mouths who spat out their crisps they were in such a rush to be Jonny Judge. They screamed: "Grow Up!" "Bust!" "Sour Grapes!" "Touch My Costume Stack!"
Gilbert or Kwame --- who is bad???
We say both are victims. the blame goes elsewhere. Wizznutzz working on three theories as to what happened:
INCITE THEROY 1:
THE CYCLE OF ABUSE, or "PASSING THE BAD TOUCH BUCK"
Fanzz of our site know we have well documented the systematic abuse of Kwame Brown by Michael SALIERI Jordan. They say Jordan is the High Preist of the NBA but when Sally couldnt dance anymore, he turned his bitter, poisonous jeaousy, (or as Phil Chenier called it: "The corrupt Pedagogy of Desire") on Kwame. ALong with CArdinal Collins he punished Kwame for his gorgeous naked optimism, and created for whole team...
CULTURE OF ABUSE:
-O-Town builts human 'faggot' pyramid, slippery with sweat and salty with Ty Lues tears
-In lockerroom there is brisk trade in Steve Blake Cloaca Futures
-Darvin Hams wife strikes him with wines
-Brevin Knight enrolled in Little Rascals Day Care
Well stage one is silence.
Like when Dudley left Mr Hortons bike shop, there are no words.
Shame is a broken mute, a much oiled wheel.
Kwame kept it all in but he found out what we know:
SILENCE = BACON
And he has begun to act out on others and himself. Because even in Los Angeles you cant run from shame. Ask Lorenzo Lamas what he hides under his leather trenchcoats. I can tell you its not his pride or a small mexican.
SO Kwame, he slaps Gilbert because of slaps he got : "PASS IT ON" , see?
And same for GILBERT ARENAs also
We told you last year about Gilbert Arenas SENIOR , how he was a frustrated extra in Miami Vice when Gilbert was a child, and when roles no longer came, he was fast disturbed, turning the motel room they lived out of into an exact replica of Lietenant Castillo's office. He made young gilbert practice lines with him using Meisner technique, repeating words over and over while staring into his eyes:
SR: "You got the money?
JR: "You got the drugs?"
for FOUR hours in a row (no blinking).
And waking young Gilbert up in the night yelling "Freeze, Vice" , No wonder Gilbert has probelms sleeping today and has hypervigilance issues. You would too if your Dad kept you awake loudly playing No Jacket Required and Rockwell's "Somebody's Watching Me" on auto-reverse.
And Miami Vice guest-star Ted Nugent would come around, and teach Gilberts Dad to go Bow Hunting to get protein for the BBQ, and onetime Gilbert Senior comes in with his sons dog "Sonny" --- he had shot it with a bow! He told his son: "I had to take Calderone down. We could never extradite him, it would be held up in the damn courts, he would have walked."
And Gilbert never even cried, but what happens.... years later he runs his two dogs, 'Tubbs' and 'Tubbs' on a treadmill.!! See how it works?
So this is a live jasmin story about two victims, a Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants where pants = pain.
Lets Move on to # 2
INCITE #2: AGNES OF SHAMGODD
In some old eurpoean Jewish cultures, when a girl has her first period, her mother will slap her. Its not to hurt her but to give her a blessing for health and fertility, and a warning to guard her "gates" against premarital entry.
SO maybe Kwame wanted to congratulate Gilbert on becoming a man and warn him to mind his gates?
This theory is not as good as the first one.
INCITE #3: DAN FEGAN HATES THE JEWS
We are pretty sure Dan Fegan is too blame for everything.
Dan Fegan is Gilbert Arenas agent.
And when kwame decided not to sign with him, Dan Fegan told Gilbert not to give Kwame the ball.
That started it all. But Kwame was smart not to sign in https://www.chaturbaterooms.com. He saw Fegan for what he was, an evil viilian, a PIED PIPER figure who traded on youth. Like MJ had his mules, Fegan had Fegin's boys, a band of pickpockets and B-list small forwards that he would abuse and put to work in the streets. Gilbert was his best boy, the artful dodger. But Kwame could see that Fegan was a pimp and a pied piper.
And Kwame wanted to finally break the cycle but breaking the cycle isnt easy
Look at Steve Blake? He tried hard, when he started his nonprofit educational camp for rookies called "Soap Starzz" to teach them how to be careful in the showers, and not to have to suffer like he did, and he even made a Soap Stazz video with narration by actor Craig T Nelson, everyone was so happy for Steve, but now Steve Blake hangs around dark nightclubs and calls Criag Nelson "Coach"
Now,. people say the character of Fegin is "anti-semitic".
no one put a gun to Dan Fegan's head and told him to trade young slaves and smear the jewish name!
DAN FEGAN is the anti-SEMITE.
He makes money selling boys and he hates jews.
He is the worst anti-semite known here since Phil Chenier, but it turned out Phil Chenier thought 'semites' were oysters so that doesnt count.
There is one way to break the cycle of abuse.
We propose that the goverm,ent put togther an independent INternational TRIBUNAL, and try Dan Fegan and Michael Jordan on charges of manchild endangerment. This tribunal has to use International rights laws, and have only the most respected and honest legal minds in its membership
We welcome our newest intern
As the darkness of winter looms, and 3-3 becomes 3-4 becomes 3-eternity, our hearts grow small, smaller than the Hulk's baby-paws. But as our eyes cast downwards, we see something has shriveled even further, cowering amidst satiny blue folds.
Reports the Washington Post: Coach Eddie Jordan does not believe perimeter defense was the only problem. "Our interior defense, too," he said. "Outside of Brendan clogging the middle up to a certain degree . . . we're small and we're light in the pants."
The interior is defenseless. The middle is clogged. And in our pants hides our true shame, small and light. The wrinkled pinkie of the she-succubus. Even Rod's half-smoke is missed now.
Following his namesake mulemaster, tense-browed Eddie Jordan has questioned the manhood of his young wards. But they are neutered Urokhai, born of petri, not woman-womb! What choice have they? What choice have any of us?
So true, Salieri was on 60 minutes last week
He spent the first 47 minutes and the other 13 catching softball questions from mister Ed Bradley, and pitching his new book: "The Old Man and The Shoe: Vol 4, the Desparate 16th Minute of Fame"
Some INCITES as I see em:
1. Yeah right, Ed and MJ, whats up with your little club of man jewelry?? the MANDNAGLES. All we needed was Ed's bedazzled buddy Han Solo, but he smart to keep his young whitemeat wife, CHicken McBeal away from MJ and his entitled touchy touchy. Dont u guyzz kjnow about SIerra Leone? !!??
Kanye West? !!
Ronnie Mervis? !!
Ronnie Mervis' brother Zed?!! Zed personally oversees the mine slaves
Ask MJ bout 'Diamond Trade' and his first thought is the AA baseball whores he got preggers with the White Sox farm team.
2. Michael Jordan doesnt care about black people
3. What happended to 60 minutes? It got old is what, like Salieri, its playing days are behind it. They never get the scoops. The only thing they find in a Spider Hole is a confused Morely Safer. Its pensioner-tainment, the warm turkey burger of news world. Andy Rooney crosses street for his BREAKFAST, young staffers press faces to glass and pray, he moves through traffic like in a deadly slomo game of true life FROGGER.
4. What happens when competitors who spend lives beating oppononents get old and obsolete?
They sit at home and beat themselves is what
FACT. STraightr from the Mules mouth:
"Michael says he doesn't go easy against his sons.
"In due time, they will beat me," he says, "but right now I'm taking great pride in beating them." "
Also Michael Jordan sits in a void.
The only truth the show exposed was:
60 Minutes caught up with him recently in Las Vegas at the annual Michael Jordan Senior Flight School. It's a four-day training camp, where middle-aged guys who love the game pay $15,000 to get the full Michael Jordan experience: to play ball with him, to get fouled by him and to get abused by him.
"What does he say to you on the court?" Bradley asks one participant. "It's like playing against my son. You're a midget," the participant replied. " 'Mouse in the house,' anything to try to humiliate you."
With competition like this - against guys who play mostly on the weekends - it's surprising that Jordan even broke a sweat, but he did, playing with intensity, pulling on shorts and talking trash.
He also teaches the group what he did so well in the NBA - bending the rules without getting caught by the referee.
Thats the saddest thing ive ever heard in my life. So that whats its come to?
I only had to pay $600 to go on that Bullets celebrity cruise in 98 and not only did no one abuse me, but i got to rub lotion on Coach Lynam.
But Shame on 60 Minutes for not asking any tough questions, such as these:
-God gave you athletic gifts. God gave you your mock turtlenecks. Did God also give you your sullen hate?
-Speaking of turtlenecks, You drafted KWame Brown with the Wizards #1 pick. Do you really think that it was approproiate to have him circumcised?
-Do you ever miss having a soul?
-Do you feel Kevin Bacon did a good job of capturing you in the movie "Sleepers" ?
-You say that you felt cheated by Abe Pollin. But why dont you shut your mouth?
-What did you do with Tyron Lues body?
SALIeri and Oprah jhave alot in common. They have both turned themselves into multimillion dollar brands, and neither of them has had sex with their partners since 1993. MJ was there to sell his book but also to debut his new line of Air Jordan cloethes for ladies!!! His body is inaccurate, and no0w even the jordan brand is now a joke. No one wants your gay scuba boots anymore, the Space Jam franchise is dead cause the Tamsanian Devil got a tumor, and the guy who wrote your theme song got arrested for having sex witha child, and your steaks cause colon cancer and your nasty cologne is sitting in barrels in a New Mexico sand pit.
"Jordan by Michael" -- indded. Smells to me like "Urine by Deer "
MJ isnt the first Wash player to be on Oprah. Caron Butler cried like a baby a coiuple years ago.
"People were getting raped. You've got murders in there. . It was a bad environment."
SOundzz like Steve Blakes exit interview!!!!!
And Oprah selected one of the COnstable Hayes Mysteries for the Oprah Book CLub. I think it was "Constable Hayes and the Case of the Galway Sheep Rodeo".
Anyway, Charles Barkley came out in a blue terry towel sweat suit and everyone lauighed at him vfor being a dumb fat fool and felt better about themselves, and the ever-present grey moths cricled Michael Jordans grinning head, and then he read some entries from his Dream Journal, but all the dreams were the same:
In the dreams MJ is sitting at a giant empty oak table, eating beef, but then he looks down and his food has turned into Kwame Brown and as he eats Kwame Brown's body, Kwame smiles and says
"Is It In You?"
"Is It In You?"
over and over. Then MJ looks up and now hes waiting on a bus bench with Richard Mulligan from Empty Nest who says to him:
" I'm aware the days pass quicker than before, smell staler too. And once they fall behind they look like ruin. You have been here some time."
Then he hears a car coming and he is desperate to get away from Richard Mulligan, and he looks at the horizon for the car. They will pick me up and take me away! Everythign will be fine when the car comes. The car comes, but does not stop, and as it speeds by, CHico Debarge hangs his naked ass out the back window and Rod Strickland points at him laughing "HEY TINY!" then hits him with a cold potato skin.
Thats about it.
Oh and refree Ed Rush was in the audience and after the show he picked out some housewifes and gave them keys to Michaels hotel room. "The desperate love of sad Moms is so grateful" Jordan says to Oprah during the credits and they both laugh.
Leaves and branches
A lot of you wonder why Our Lord Savior Kwame Brown's name is attached to salad dressing references. It has to do with ointments that we disciples apply to the body of the Very Reverand Kwames so that we on earth may glorify He with a pure heart and gameworn shorts. Insha'allah!!! To paraphrase Ezekial 16:7-14, we slowly bathe a beatific, practice-moist Kwames with holy water and then put ointments of oil & vinegar on his barking dogs, soothing his devilish broken foot, wicked bunyons, and satanic plantar fasciitis. Duppy Conquerer!!!
Salad dressings come from the Revelation our Prophet received during his rookie year. Here's the full story from the Washington Post, and here is the key excerpt:
On a road trip to Boston, the Wizards took him to an elegant French restaurant. Brown was not just shocked, but outraged, to discover that the restaurant did not serve French dressing. "Can you believe that?" he says. "No French dressing. In a French restaurant."
Then there was the matter of the salad itself. "It was tree roots," he says disgustedly.
For weeks afterward, Brown took a bottle of store-bought French dressing with him whenever he went out to dinner.
You see, it's all about how Kwame is slowly becoming spiritual and multicultural, the leader of free men and buff youths in sweaty tanktops, with French dressing being but the first ointment of His Church. Next week Kwames discovers the healing powers of I-talian.
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